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Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Friday, January 06, 2006
Things To Do In Denver When You're Deadly
an ode to the witless drivers of this city:
Signal you fools!
Thank you for reading my rant...
- Veer from lane to lane with impunity
- Signal less often than the French shower
- Try to top any accident you see by slowing, turning your head, and subsequently turning off the small part of your brain that was previously functioning
- Focus on your cell phone, the radio, the steering wheel cover, the odd-looking family member next to you, your cuticles; anything but the road, your mirrors, or cars around you
- Slow down, or better yet, stop on the onramp to busy highways
- Speed up, pass (especially on the right!), and then narrowly squeeze your careening metal coffin back in front of that loser going 0-5 miles over the limit to rightfully prove you're just so much better than them
- Tailgate as close as possible, especially at high speeds; anything more than 2 inches is lost time on your commute
- Keep in mind that the drivers around you are well aware of your intentions and what you will do next, so take advantage of this and drive as sporadically as possible
- Wait until the last possible moment to brake; this also sends an appropriate message to the school bus driver in front of you who didn't adhere to the 2-inch rule
- Remember that traffic lights will stay on indefinitely, so follow on the heels of the car in front of you regardless of heavy traffic; obviously people don't drive on the intersecting road anyway
- When you are are done with the above, drive your car just past the line on the shoulder of a highway and park it, but be sure your hazards are off and you didn't accidentally leave any reflective signs or markings behind
Signal you fools!
Thank you for reading my rant...
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About me
- I'm Mark
- From Colorado Springs, Colorado, United States
- As a rejection consultant, I hear it all. I like near-death novelty photos, teeth bling, puppies and discriminatorily neutral jeers: "Hey clean shirt!" I am, however; probably best know for the musical I did with Hitler. Jake Hitler, that is. He lived next door and we knitted afghans together (when we could catch them; they run fast!)
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