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Friday, January 06, 2006 

Things To Do In Denver When You're Deadly

an ode to the witless drivers of this city:

  • Veer from lane to lane with impunity
  • Signal less often than the French shower
  • Try to top any accident you see by slowing, turning your head, and subsequently turning off the small part of your brain that was previously functioning
  • Focus on your cell phone, the radio, the steering wheel cover, the odd-looking family member next to you, your cuticles; anything but the road, your mirrors, or cars around you
  • Slow down, or better yet, stop on the onramp to busy highways
  • Speed up, pass (especially on the right!), and then narrowly squeeze your careening metal coffin back in front of that loser going 0-5 miles over the limit to rightfully prove you're just so much better than them
  • Tailgate as close as possible, especially at high speeds; anything more than 2 inches is lost time on your commute
  • Keep in mind that the drivers around you are well aware of your intentions and what you will do next, so take advantage of this and drive as sporadically as possible
  • Wait until the last possible moment to brake; this also sends an appropriate message to the school bus driver in front of you who didn't adhere to the 2-inch rule
  • Remember that traffic lights will stay on indefinitely, so follow on the heels of the car in front of you regardless of heavy traffic; obviously people don't drive on the intersecting road anyway
  • When you are are done with the above, drive your car just past the line on the shoulder of a highway and park it, but be sure your hazards are off and you didn't accidentally leave any reflective signs or markings behind

Signal you fools!
Thank you for reading my rant...

Oh, wow, great start to my day, Marky. I am laughing too hard to add anything of use to this post; perhaps later. Happy Friday!

Ah yes, the pleasures of city driving. I remember it well. I guess I can't complain about the occasional deer on the road. Maybe YOU should consider relocating to a small town, say in the southwest part of the state. And besides, your father needs a golfing partner.

Yeah, I'm thinking I really should leave at least a 4 hour window between driving and when I post to help reduce the fanatical lectures and ravings...

Hey, at least you're not a pedestrian in DC...I swear they aim for you there.

That and if there are snowflakes in the air everyone freaks out, even if there isn't any accumulation on the ground =P

Too funny. I had to re-read that one about the French before it sunk it. Yeah, I'm a little slow at times.

Can't agree with you more about the lack of signaling. Having moved from one big city to this one, I can assure you that this is more of a Megopolis problem and not just reserved to Denver. Non-signaling drivers irk me so badly, that I'm one of those annoying signalers who signals with little provocation.

Oh and Anon, you think snow flakes are bad, try rain drops in Texas. The drivers start freaking out horribly and traffic slows to a crawl. Idiots.

Yeah Rob, I signal just going to the mailbox. And then people start yelling at me to either get out of the driveway or put my hand down...

OR... if you live in Denver you could always... UPDATE YOUR BLOG!


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About me

  • I'm Mark
  • From Colorado Springs, Colorado, United States
  • As a rejection consultant, I hear it all. I like near-death novelty photos, teeth bling, puppies and discriminatorily neutral jeers: "Hey clean shirt!" I am, however; probably best know for the musical I did with Hitler. Jake Hitler, that is. He lived next door and we knitted afghans together (when we could catch them; they run fast!)
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